When Fear Throws Pebbles At Your Window
Spurgeon said that if any state would be better for you than the one you're in now, divine love would have put you there. Such a profound truth, but difficult to stand firm in when you can't see the Lord at work in current circumstances. Friends encourage me to stay positive, and remind me of my growth over the past year, but the truth is, I don't feel it most days. Lately, I have only felt useless and stagnant, and it has been especially tough the past few days. I've been thinking a lot about the call to surrender what is unknown. In the times when I don't sense God moving, I am quick to step in and attempt to control things myself. Life has been busy the past few months, what with my completing an internship, graduating from college, getting married, and attempting to find a job. And while I know in my heart that the Lord has a plan, my anxious mind so often fails to grasp it because I'm already gripping so tightly out of fear.
I'm not sure when fear began throwing pebbles at my window in the middle of the night, tempting me to shut the door on awe. And in spite of the fact that our victory comes from our story, I struggle to find the words. It seems I've been stuck on this page for a long time, feeling like I have to finish grace and wondering what to do with everything on the outside.
Because at the end of the day, I just want to feel safe, for us all to be safe. Isn't that what perfect love is?
A friend tweets: "Study God as Creator, because if He made you, then He can keep you, and if He can keep you, He can always reach you. He is strong enough to love you."
God as Creator: His name literally means "the sound of breathing." He spoke, breathed His life image into the world and all that is went through the process of becoming. Communication precedes essence. He spoke perfection: once broken, but never beyond His reach. The Word became flesh, but even his own failed to recognize him, and how often do I err in the same way? How frequently do I go through my days without realizing the evidence of a grace-torn curtain, His glory unleashed?
Christ, entirely familiar with my afflictions, and yet without sin. He took my punishment. How could that be insufficient? And how much does He, who went to the ends of the earth to save once and for all, desire to bless with all things?
Knowing this, receiving it, is how we begin to live a life like the lilies, a life that wholly recognizes the sovereignty of God. The lilies live open, stretched upward, as though to say that they are ready to receive the grace. Scripture says that creation itself testifies to the heart of the Creator.
He's holding me together, in His love and mercy. He knows what I need before I ask. Nothing that happens here catches Him off guard -- and all those nagging "what ifs" and all the creeping, crippling fear have no place when we rest in His presence, when we listen to the truth that He is speaking over us: that we are always loved, always within reach.